Thank you, Berlin
OK, it’s true.
We are leaving Berlin and moving back to Boston at the end of October 2020.
Everyone’s first question: Are you excited?! Or a statement: You must be happy! It was really hard to reply to those expressions at first. Hearing them didn’t feel good and I reached the point where I had to pause and ask myself, “Why?” Why did I feel like there was a rock sitting on my chest every time “leaving Berlin” came up? Why did I feel like I had to lie and say, “Yes!” when someone suggested that I should be enthusiastic to move back home?
After sitting with it for a bit – OK, months – I realized that I was grieving.
5 stages of grief
One thing quarantine has taught us is that it’s possible to grieve more than just the loss of a loved one. We can grieve the loss of jobs, friendships, routine, and a secure sense of normalcy. There are 5 stages of grieving:
Denial and isolation
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
We made this decision months ago in the throes of quarantine but I feel like I'm only just now exiting the first stages of grief – denial/isolation and anger. Denial and isolation were easy because we were literally isolating and busying ourselves with work and other side projects. When life in Berlin started to get back up and running, I felt the anger settling in.
Wait, so why are you moving?
The TL;DR story: We are moving because my husband has a Green Card in the U.S.
The longer explanation: The process to keep and renew a Green Card is quite simple as long as you are still living, working, or going to school in the U.S. but obtaining citizenship is not cheap (and the cost is doubling in October). So despite living in the U.S. for almost his entire life, he just never went through the naturalization process. When we moved to Berlin, he obtained a reentry permit which allowed him to be absent from the U.S. for an extended time… but we are coming up to that deadline soon.
We needed to make a big decision: Keep the Green Card which meant going back or give up the Green Card and staying a bit longer. The latter meant that, even though we are married, we would have to apply for a spousal visa or he would need to be sponsored by a company in the U.S. for us to move back. There was this moment during lockdown when we were watching the news and heard that the current sitting President blocked H1B work visas and others – and that’s when we decided we can’t risk it. We would go back.
And, for those of you wondering why we don’t “just get citizenship” … I wish it were that easy.
Back to grief
Anger. This is where I am at. Anger about…
the citizenship process,
the turmoil over basic human rights in the U.S.,
the handling of COVID-19 in the U.S.,
the incompetencies of the man who calls himself President,
the healthcare system,
… the list goes on. It’s riddled with anger but also fear. I’m afraid that we’re not making the right decision. I’m afraid to leave the comfort and healthcare benefits of Germany. I’m afraid to leave the comfortable life we have here.
After anger comes “bargaining”. It’s likely we’ll skip over this phase since the move is already in motion. When we make a decision, we stick to it. We’ve been together for 8 years and we’ve had to make a lot of difficult decisions along the way but in “sticking with them” we’ve only grown stronger. Even if I try to bargain on our way to the airport on our final day, we’re still going.
Ah, there are still two stages left, huh?
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
We’ll deal with those when they come. I have an inkling they’ll settle in post-move and I know that I’m strong enough to face them head-on. Plus, I’ll have my support system with me.
Finding reason to be happy
Of course, there are many things we are excited about. We are excited to be back with our family and friends. It’s been extremely difficult to be away from home during this time between COVID, Black Lives Matter, and the election. We are excited to (re)root back down, (re)kindle friendships, and (re)find our voices in our community.
Thank you, Berlin
In Berlin, I learned how to embrace discomfort. I learned to stop resisting change. I learned how to be present. I learned what it means to live with less – only what we need.
In Berlin, I become a runner. I became a world traveler. I became a more confident trainer. I became a wife. I became the wife of a business owner.
We have so much to thank this city for. Berlin, it’s been a pleasure. Boston, we're (almost) ready for you. We look forward to rooting back into our communities, masking up, and marching alongside you. There's lots of work to be done. See you soon.
